The premise of this exercise is to take a sentence that you appreciate and re-write it so as to explore the varying dynamics and attributes of sentences.

Sentence #1

Original: Excerpt from Volume I, Chapter XV of Jane Austen’s Emma

To restrain him as much as might be, by her own manners, she was immediately preparing to speak with exquisite calmness and gravity of the weather and the night; but scarcely had she begun, scarcely had they passed the sweep-gate and joined the other carriage, than she found her subject cut up—her hand seized—her attention demanded, and Mr. Elton actually making violent love to her: availing himself of the precious opportunity, declaring sentiments which must be already well known, hoping—fearing—adoring—ready to die if she refused him; but flattering himself that his ardent attachment and unequalled love and unexampled passion could not fail of having some effect, and in short, very much resolved on being seriously accepted as soon as possible.

My Rewrite

To entertain as much as stamina allowed, via flexibility and grace, she was quickly warming to seduce him through poise of the mind and contortions of the body; but scarcely had she dressed, scarcely had the curtain risen and she recognized the music, then she found her plan exposed– her show aborted– her ego destroyed, and Ian McAllister was sincerely choreographing a humiliating assault: appealing to his mob of peers for the occasion, dramatisizing everything in overly-orchestrated imitations, shaming—cleaving—tormenting— primed to bludgeon her if she ever forgot the embarrassment, while also gorging himself that his Homeric hubris and indocile masculinity and insensitive personality had not failed at attracting attention, and at the same time, very much impressed by the good taste which guided him through the ordeal.

Sentence #2

Excerpt from Toni Cade Bambara’s “The Lesson”

So once again we tumble all over each other to gaze at this magnificent thing in the toy store which is just big enough to maybe sail two kittens across the pond if you strap them to the posts tight.

My Rewrite

So as we always do we splash together to inhale the disturbing scene by the kitchen sink which is just violent enough to maybe disrupt the two children sleeping upstairs and down the hall if you’ve seasoned their nerves just right to the tone of a fight.

Sentence #3

Excerpt from The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien

A dark theater, he remembered, and the movie Bonnie and Clyde, and Martha wore a tweed skirt, and during the final scene, when he touched her knee, she turned to him in a sad, sober way that made him pull his hand back, but he would always remember the feel of the tweed skirt and the knee beneath it and the sound of gunfire that killed Bonnie and Clyde, how embarrassing it was, how slow and oppressive.

My Rewrite

A truck stop, she remembered, and the coffee was cold, and William reeked of B.O., and when the bill came, even though she’d told him before they came in that she was broke, he hounded her in a smelly, hairy way that made her flinch and run, and even now she remembers the stink of the bill and his B.O. and the feel of cold coffee on the back of her tongue and the weight of those four heavy bucks in her back pocket as she ran all the way home, how exhilarating it was, how terrifying and sporadic.

Sentence #4

Excerpt from Alice Munro’s “Miles City, Montana”

I could be talking to Andrew, talking to the children and looking at whatever they wanted me to look at—a pig on a sign, a pony in a field, a Volkswagon on a revolving stand—and pouring lemonade into plastic cups, and all the time those bits and pieces would be flying together inside me.

My Rewrite

I would be eating my school lunch, eating the kale salad I had everyday and gossiping about whatever pleased me—cheer team try-outs, Bryce Fitz taking Tiffany L. to prom, is that girl over there new?—and sitting through Calculus BC afterwards, and the whole time those flurries in my tummy would be calling me to vomit.